Pain and disappointment. Oh, how I wish that I could wrap my kids up and protect them from never experiencing its sting. I would say that allowing your child to experience pain and resisting the urge to not jump in and save them from disappointment is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. We see that all too often these days…kid’s athletic teams where the scoreboard always is “even”, award ceremonies where everyone is the “all star player”, competitions where there is no real “winner” or “loser”. But where exactly is the lesson in all of that? Because from my perspective, the message that we are getting across to these children is that there is no growth to be found in pain, loss, or defeat, which is just not true. In fact, I believe that we need those painful experiences as children to learn the coping skills that will come in handy when they grow up to realize that life is hard, and guess what? Things will not always go your way! The scoreboard of life will have actual numbers on it, your co-worker will get “employee of the year” even though you worked harder for it, and you will “lose” that deal you worked tirelessly to obtain. You see, we can not always control the outcome of our situations but what we ALWAYS have control over is our attitude and how we will choose to react. Do we want to model for our kids to run from painful situations or do we want to teach them to embrace those situations, learn from them, and press on?
My daughter graduated 8th Grade last week and will be entering High School in about 6 weeks. When asked what she wanted for her graduation present, she mentioned she really wanted to go to Disney World. We explained to her that our budget was thinking more along the lines of a “pool party with friends” or “nice dinner out”. She then saw that tickets were going on sale to her favorite band and they would be here in our town for one night this summer! Yes, that is MUCH more along the lines of what our pocketbook could afford, AND she was THRILLED with the idea of getting concert tickets as her graduation present. It was a win, win. However, secretly my husband and I were researching if we could try and make the Disney World trip work as a surprise. My husband and I go to Maui every year for our anniversary using our timeshare and we decided if we could trade our Maui week this year for Orlando instead, we just might be able to pull off the trip within our budget…so that is what we did! However, we wanted to keep the trip as a surprise and tell her on her graduation day, one week prior to us leaving. I was so excited for the day when I could finally reveal the big surprise! However, it turned out a little differently than I planned…
My daughter’s passion is musical theater and we are actively involved in our community’s youth theater group. It just so happens that they decided to do a “summer show”, for the first time ever, only allowing ages 14 and under to audition (normally they allow up to 18 years of age), but not only that, they got the rights to perform Disney’s “Lion King” for the first time ever! Since my daughter is not quite 14, when she discovered they were going to cast this show she felt as though this was THE opportunity of a lifetime! Finally, she had the chance to get a “bigger” part, since most of the “older competition” couldn’t audition. Well, it just so happens that the auditions and callbacks were on the very weekend that we would be gone on her surprise graduation trip. After informing her that she would not be in town the weekend of auditions and callbacks, still not explaining why, she burst into tears and asked if there was ANY way we could change our plans so she could be here to audition. When I answered “no”, she ran off to her room heartbroken. At this point, my husband and I figured it was best to tell her why we won’t be in town, so she could understand. When we told her, it was not the reaction I was expecting. Instead of being excited for the trip she had always wanted, she was disappointed that she would be gone and not have the opportunity to audition. Now, I am sure most of you reading this are thinking, “it’s just a show”, “a family trip is much more important”…because I, too, had the same thoughts. However, living with a teenager for the past couple years has also shown me how miserable it can be when they are taken somewhere they do not want to be, only wishing they were somewhere else. And, for the amount of money that the trip was going to cost, it certainly would set me over the edge to have her not appreciate it.
After discussing the options with my husband and finding out how much of the trip was “refundable” at this point, we decided we would leave the decision up to her. After all, the trip was “for her”, it definitely wouldn’t be my choice to go to Florida in June, much less Disney World over summer break! So, we decided if this trip is not what she is wanting to do anymore, why should we spend all this money for it? However, it wouldn’t just be the trip she was giving up. Since we only have 6 weeks of summer break because our school is “year round”, it would be giving up most of her summer nights to spend them at rehearsals and the show will take place the first week of her starting High School. Oh, and remember those concert tickets that she was so excited about? That’s a “show night”, so it’s either Simba or Twenty One Pilots. Her first question to me was this, “Mom, I really want to audition for Lion King, but what if I audition and don’t get the part I want? I only want to cancel our trip and give up Disney World, if I can know it will be a ‘featured role’ and not just the ensemble”. Unfortunately, the answers to those questions would not come before a decision needed to be made to cancel. I told her that this was going to be one of those difficult decisions to make, the first of many more in her lifetime, where we must choose one opportunity over another, without knowing what outcome is best at the time. I struggled greatly as a mother during this time of uncertainty. I knew the competition for auditions was going to be plenty, and based solely off the number of auditioners, the odds were against her. Some would call me a “pessimist”, but I see myself more as a “realist”. I just wanted to be upfront and open with her and make sure she understood the risk and what she was sacrificing in order to audition. However, in her “teenage mind”, she saw this as a lack of confidence in her capabilities. A rock and a hard place, that is where I was stuck for about 2 weeks. No “Hakuna Matata” here, more along the tune of “Stressed Out” by 21 Pilots. Finally, after countless hours of weighing the pros and cons, discussing the risks, and much torment, she made the very difficult decision to cancel the trip, give up her birthday concert tickets, and just GO for it. This mother’s nervous heart has been on edge leading up to the auditions this last Friday. I knew if she got the part that she had hoped for, it would all be worth it to her. I also knew, that if she didn’t get the role that she had had hoped for, she would be devastated. The cast list came up early this morning and my eleven year old son was actually the one to come into my room and hand me his IPAD, telling me he was too nervous to look at it himself. My heart was pounding outside my chest as I opened it up…
She did not get the part she wanted. She was cast as part of the ensemble, yet again. And although she should be proud of even making it in the show, since over twenty auditioners did not, I knew that she would view this as a failure. “Has she seen this yet?”, I asked my son. He didn’t think so. I did not want to be the one to deliver the news to her and watch her heart break right before my eyes. I got out of bed to find her, and there she was, on the couch, reading it on her phone as I stood watching her scroll down to the bottom to find her name. Tears streaming down her face, devastated. In her mind, she did not succeed. Oh, how I wanted to protect her from this pain! Oh, how I wanted to protect MYSELF from the heartache of watching my child hurt so deeply. I have to admit, part of me wanted to curse theater and all of it’s wicked ways and steer her towards a passion that is a little “safer”. Have her pursue something that doesn’t involve being “cut”, or told “you’re not good enough”…maybe find a hobby with little or no competition. Can you think of one? I couldn’t either. Or I could wrap my arms around her, let her know that I understand “it sucks”, and tell her “let’s make the best of it”. I say, “let’s”, because I need those words as much as she does.