There’s no doubt about it, parenting is hard. Parenting during the teen years…now THAT is a whole ‘nother beast entirely. And I admit, I have not always done it with grace. There was a time, about a year ago, I felt like I was failing. Trying to connect to my teenage daughter seemed almost impossible. I felt as if I was losing her. Then, during that time, my eleven year old son began to show “the signs.” I could barely handle one hormone raging teen in my home, but two? I seriously felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I bought books, searched the internet for relative articles, cried a ton, and desperately sought out other girlfriends that had already walked through the thick of it. I knew if things didn’t change with my daughter, she would slip away even further and I was terrified. My daughter is so much like me and, at times, I felt that there was only room for one strong-willed female in our household, not two. And since I existed first, she better back down.
I had a realization during this difficult season and it changed everything. When I stopped trying to force my daughter into my world, and started intentionally becoming part of hers, everything started to change. Here is what I mean by this. I love shopping, make-up and all things girly. My daughter does not. I’d try to plan a day out shopping (who doesn’t love that?!) and come home completely frustrated. I had this picture in my mind of what our day was going to look like together. Dressing rooms filled with laughter, a leisurely lunch full of stimulating conversation and, of course, bags full of our fabulous finds. Instead, we went to one store (that was one too many), she barely talked to me, we skipped lunch, and cut our shopping day short by 12 hours. She had absolutely no interest. How ungrateful could she be? This is how I am treated when I try to do something nice for her? I was at a complete loss. What I slowly began to discover (after many failed attempts at planning a “girl’s day” for us) was that what I needed to do was plan it around her interests, not mine. This is when things started to change.
I already knew what a couple of my daughter’s “passions” were, but what I needed to do was show a genuine interest in them. Ask questions about them, learn about them. My daughter loves musical theater. That one was not hard to show interest in because I, too, love theater. But I needed to be more than interested in it, I needed to become a part of it. I began volunteering for the theater program she was involved with so I could be there with her and share the experience with her. Now, I am a working mom, so that hasn’t always been easy for me and my schedule, but I make it happen. Why? Because through it, we started connecting more. In little ways at first, but over time, it became greater. She also has a passion for music and loves concerts. I’m not a huge fan of crowds, but I do love music, so I made it a point to “score” a couple concert tickets during the year to her favorite bands, again, so we could spend some time together doing something she enjoys. When I am taking her in the car somewhere, I started letting her take control of the radio (YIKES!) and listening to the music she likes to listen to. Sometimes this is hard because we have a differing opinion of what “relaxing” music is, but, I let it happen. Why? Because I’d rather listen to her music together than have her pop in her earbuds and have no interaction at all. Our mother-daughter relationship is far from perfect. However, when I stopped trying to force the quality time together and was open to being a part of her interests and passions, it just started to happen naturally.
Now to my son. Our mother/son relationship is not nearly as complex as the mother/daughter combo, but I still found we were beginning to interact less. My son loves Pokemon Go. I thought this would be a quick fad and die out, and quite frankly, I am surprised people still play it. I’ll admit, I think that a vast majority of the population these days spend way too much time on their phones and aren’t “engaging” enough in healthy conversations. I’ve tried to teach my kids that the people in front of them and their presence, are the most important, and to not have their “noses in their phones” constantly. Technology has brought so many challenges to parenting, I honestly could write a novel on the subject. Why anyone crushes little candy pieces, feeds their virtual pets, clashes their clans, or pulls the handle of a virtual slot machine is beyond me. The only app I feel is worthy of our attention is Word Cookies, LOL! However, my son really enjoys Pokemon. Every now and then, when it’s just my son and I, I will take him out Pokemon hunting to catch a rare or wild pokemon. If we are lucky enough to find a lengendary or the coveted “unown”, even better. About a month ago, I knew none of those terms. You should see the way his face lights up when I show interest in his interest and actually share some knowledge in the area of Pokemon Go. Yesterday was the last day to catch the legendary, Moltres. We were driving around and turned into a park noticed a group of about 20 people hovering together. We pulled up and asked if they were trying to catch the pokemon, too. Yes, all 20+ of them and, “more were on their way”,we were told…he had found his people. “How did everyone know and communicate to meet up here?”, we asked. Well, in our local area, there is a group chat of over 187 people strong that go out and meet to find other Pokemon. Some of the Pokemon requires 5+ people at once to catch them. Who knew? Now, we are very strict when it comes to our kids apps and location settings. I still believe you have to be careful and predators use these apps to lure kids in. I don’t just send him out on his own to meet up with other players and he is not allowed to chat with other players he does not know. Which is why I am now a member of this local group chat, not my son. So this morning, I downloaded Pokemon Go to my phone. I figured if I am going to be taking him around to find some pokemon, I should catch some, too. Look out fellow Pokemon Go players TBot777 is in ‘da House!
You see, in these very challenging years, I feel it is vital to stay connected to our teens. It’s definitely not easy and you will have to fight for it, but it is SO worth the fight. Instead of asking them how their day was, which barely elicits a response if they are like my kids, try asking them questions around their interests. I have come to realize that I learn more and more about my teens when I intentionally submerge myself into their world and show interest in their interests. I am learning to embrace their uniqueness and I am also learning that is OK for them to have a differing opinion from my own. In just a few short years, they will be off on their own, so right now, I will take all that I can get. I’ll be able to listen to my music in the car again one day. And I’m sure, when that time comes, I may be tuning it back to the stations my daughter was so fond of just to feel her presence, while hunting for Pokemon on my own.